i've been blogging less and less, and about increasingly insignificant issues, because i find, that i've lost the ability to put my feelings into words. maybe also because i'm an egoistical pighead, and i strongly believe that people all over the world are spending their time refreshing my blog every minute to update themselves on my personal life.
i've been going around feeling inexplicably sad recently, and i can't quite put my finger to it. it's such an inadequate word in itself, sad. i don't even know what it means. something just tugs within me everywhere i go, and sometimes i feel the overbearing need to huddle under a table in an empty, soundproof room. something harmless; a song on my ipod, an innocent picture, people walking past, and i'd wish i could teleport back home, bury myself in my bed, and not come out. i guess this is what you'd call
emo.
maybe i'm tired. i've been facing the world alone, and the weight is starting to bear down. i've never really let myself open up to anyone, because i've been too proud. too proud to accept anyone's help, to admit i couldn't do it alone. too proud to let anyone into my life, to show them what a mess i am. i've lived like this for 18 (yes! 18!) years, and i'm starting to buckle under the weight. but when you've closed yourself to the world, you have only yourself to count on.
i'm a romantic. i dream of someone cutting through my shell of steel, stepping into my life, and lifting half the weight off my shoulders, all with a smile. i look at lovers in love, and i think, thats how it should be. no matter how life bores down, someone'd be there to share the woes. when life lets up, someone'd be there to share an iced lemon tea (one glass, two straws, and a wedge of lemon on the glass). but fairytales rarely exist, and until they do, those who believe in them will just have to grit their teeth and wait.
